Longing.

Can’t believe June is tomorrow. The past few months have really flown by. Looking back, I would have never thought I’d be here: sitting on my bed, having a beer, feeling empty.

I’d be lying if I said everything was okay. I’m not okay, still. I can see myself getting better, but there are just things I’m not ready to let go of. I’m trying to allow these current changes in my life to guide me through the day; it’s been working for the most part, but when I’m by myself, having no plans and all the time in the world, I think of him. Especially on beautiful days like today, where the temperature was perfect, I keep wondering what he’s doing, then I think “oh, he’s with her. Smiling. Kissing her. Looking at her like he used to look at me, but this time he means it.”

I know, it’s useless and stupid. Trust me, I don’t want to feel this way. It’s mentally draining. But I have too many unanswered questions and I never got closure. How things ended just doesn’t sit right with me, especially when I know he’s grinning so hard his face hurts in every fucking picture with her. It hurts me to see him that happy. It’s not fair. Call me selfish, but I’d be lying to myself if I said I want him to be happy. At least right now. I’m letting myself be childish and ridiculous because this whole situation is ridiculous. And the fact that I still long for his company makes it even more pathetic. I’m just that kind of person; I can’t let things go.

I’m not the kind of person who has luck with love, even the casual kind. I’m literally only friends with beautiful, strong, intelligent women, with some guys in the mix; all my girlfriends are perfect in their own way. And even if they tell me they see so much worth and potential in me, I don’t see it. I don’t have it. I have nothing to offer. I need someone to fill voids and empty spaces in order for me to be happy–pathetic right? I know.

But even still, I miss his company. Only his. I don’t care for other guys. He was easy-going and made me feel secure. When he looked at me, it was direct eye contact; call me a sucker for gwai loes (white boys) with big blue eyes. To me he was cute. He was sweet. He treated me well even with his character flaws; I didn’t care at all. I still fell for him, all of him.

But of course, she had to come along and show him what he was missing. And of course she’s perfect in every way. And of course I’m giving the both of them the power and satisfaction to justify my pain and misery, fuck off. Let me be sad. It’s my fucking life. I screwed things up and now he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I left a bad impression and he never wants that in his life.

But I would honestly do anything to spend even another second, just seeing him one more time, even if she’s there kissing him in front of me..

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Adjustment.

While everyone is enjoying the last day of their Memorial Day weekend, I’m currently sitting in bed, wallowing.

I’m at a point in my life where there are a lot of changes going on at the same time: good and bad. It’s overwhelming, but a bit exciting. Starting a new chapter in life can be scary, but having the right people in your corner and a little bit of confidence can go a long way.

These past few months have been hard, I won’t lie. Major personal events have changed the way I go through my daily life, and it’s been a hard adjustment. I recently graduated from college, my last day at my old job was Saturday, and I start my new job tomorrow which is a new ball game from what I was doing before. I’ll be going through training for the next month, but it’s something new and I’m trying to stay positive.

I’ve also been seeing a therapist. It’s only an hour a week, but she’s been really nice to talk to and it’s been good to introduce some issues I’ve been dealing with. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone new to gain new perspective on problems you have. Friends and family can only do so much, but it’s really YOU that has the power to get necessary help if you want to feel better. There’s no shame in getting help; honestly, I’ve been wanting to get help for years, but the timing hasn’t been right especially coming from a place where my work and school schedule were different every week and there just wasn’t any consistency. Anyway, that’s been going well. I wish I had more time to talk to my therapist because I have so much to catch her up on, and knowing me I always have side-conversations or go onto another topic before finishing up a previous thought. Then wouldn’t-you-know, my session is up and I have to wait until the next week to continue or bring up something new to the table. It’s part of the reason why I started this blog. I have so much on my mind that I want to talk about and express, that I need different outlets to do so. I’ve journaled pretty much every day since late April and it’s help to an extent, but I’ve been getting lazy to write something out, and honestly, my entries have been getting repetitive because I only want to talk about one or two things that have recently triggered a lot of negative emotions and thoughts. I usually find it easier to talk to someone about what’s on my mind and my problems, but I know I’ve done that enough to my friends where I’m becoming a broken record. I’m planning to open up more about certain issues I’ve been dealing with, but for now, I’ll keep it vague. It’s hard to even know where to begin and to go in depth with certain topics without coming off as super depressing and pitiful.

Anyhow, I’m still adjusting and it just hasn’t been easy. I won’t lie and say that I haven’t been getting better, but going through days especially when you wake up at the crack of ass can be grueling. When I’m by myself, it can get hard and even dangerous. Unfortunately, I am someone who assumes, expects, and worries too much about everything. It just gives me more anxiety when details trigger certain events or memories that are associated with strong feelings, and with the changes that have been happening, all my energy is focused on that and it’s becoming very draining emotionally and mentally. It makes my days feel so much worse than they are and I know that I’m the one in control; I’m the one making myself go through this the way that I have. And I’m working on trying to be better and more positive without lying to myself because right now, I’m not okay. 

I’m taking things a day at a time, as hard as it is. It’s becoming obvious to the people I care about that I’m this sick and I’m this negative. It breaks my heart to hear that they hate seeing me like this, but right now it’s just how I am. I’m not in a point in my life where I’m happy or can be, even with my accomplishments. I always find something to complain about; in a way I’m kind of a perfectionist, which I never considered myself as. It’s part of my journey of self-love and self-respect, and my hope is to be better mentally for not only myself, but to those who have loved me, supported me, and has never given up on me. I’m a pretty high-maintenance and frustrating person to get through, but reflecting back on how I was five years ago, time really makes a difference. And that’s all I can hope for at this point.

Currently.

I guess I should start this off by writing out some facts about myself.

Name: Becky

Age: 23

Sex: Female

Where are you from: Boston, MA

Ethnicity: Chinese-American

Um, yeah? I guess that’s a start. Again, I’m new at this and I’m trying to do something out of my comfort zone. I have a tumblr, but I usually use it to repost pretty pictures and occasionally write a moody post or two, or five in a day.

I want to try and create structure with this platform. My goal is to expand on my thoughts and in the process, potentially grow from this experience as I’m going through my 20’s. I don’t really know what I’m doing, nor do I have any expectations even though I am one to make up expectations. But we’ll see where this go. Other than that, you’ll get to know me through my posts and hopefully stay to see my journey unfold.

Breaking down walls.

I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I’m giving this a shot.

Considering that I’m a transparent person and I have too many thoughts rummaging in my head, a blog would be the best place to write out my thoughts, opinions, and experiences with going through life as a 20-something year old.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Oh great, another blogger. Like we don’t have enough of those in the world.” I agree, the world is getting cluttered with bloggers using a variety of social media platforms showcasing fashion, travel, photography, lifestyle, etc. etc. But this is just a personal blog; a blog for me. I’m just choosing to openly express it to people who I don’t know and people who may even judge me. However, at the end of the day, it’s something for me, and you’ll see what I mean through this experience. I hope.

Don’t think I made much sense, but I’ll get better at it. I promise.