Can’t believe June is tomorrow. The past few months have really flown by. Looking back, I would have never thought I’d be here: sitting on my bed, having a beer, feeling empty.
I’d be lying if I said everything was okay. I’m not okay, still. I can see myself getting better, but there are just things I’m not ready to let go of. I’m trying to allow these current changes in my life to guide me through the day; it’s been working for the most part, but when I’m by myself, having no plans and all the time in the world, I think of him. Especially on beautiful days like today, where the temperature was perfect, I keep wondering what he’s doing, then I think “oh, he’s with her. Smiling. Kissing her. Looking at her like he used to look at me, but this time he means it.”
I know, it’s useless and stupid. Trust me, I don’t want to feel this way. It’s mentally draining. But I have too many unanswered questions and I never got closure. How things ended just doesn’t sit right with me, especially when I know he’s grinning so hard his face hurts in every fucking picture with her. It hurts me to see him that happy. It’s not fair. Call me selfish, but I’d be lying to myself if I said I want him to be happy. At least right now. I’m letting myself be childish and ridiculous because this whole situation is ridiculous. And the fact that I still long for his company makes it even more pathetic. I’m just that kind of person; I can’t let things go.
I’m not the kind of person who has luck with love, even the casual kind. I’m literally only friends with beautiful, strong, intelligent women, with some guys in the mix; all my girlfriends are perfect in their own way. And even if they tell me they see so much worth and potential in me, I don’t see it. I don’t have it. I have nothing to offer. I need someone to fill voids and empty spaces in order for me to be happy–pathetic right? I know.
But even still, I miss his company. Only his. I don’t care for other guys. He was easy-going and made me feel secure. When he looked at me, it was direct eye contact; call me a sucker for gwai loes (white boys) with big blue eyes. To me he was cute. He was sweet. He treated me well even with his character flaws; I didn’t care at all. I still fell for him, all of him.
But of course, she had to come along and show him what he was missing. And of course she’s perfect in every way. And of course I’m giving the both of them the power and satisfaction to justify my pain and misery, fuck off. Let me be sad. It’s my fucking life. I screwed things up and now he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. I left a bad impression and he never wants that in his life.
But I would honestly do anything to spend even another second, just seeing him one more time, even if she’s there kissing him in front of me..